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New York Minute # 3

Loki
New York Minute # 3

Office Restroom Dos and Don'ts!

1) Never engage in idle chitchat or conversation with your pee-mates or on your cellphone. It's a place of business; speak of your golf game at your desk. If you are in a stall, the quiet clicking of your Blackberry keys should be ignored by others, as should all other noises coming from within. You may nod at colleagues, but that's it. Commentary like "Good one, Minella!" or "Those are some big kids you're dropping off at the pool, Flanagan!" or "OO-rah, Millie!" is only appropriate in police stations, firehouses, NYU dorms and bathrooms on floors occupied by stockbrokers.

2) Never ignore the one urinal space rule - leave a space between you and the next guy at the urinal. This rule is waived if there's a full house.

3) Always courtesy flush after number 2. If you need to do this 5 times in a sitting, you still must do it. And then lay off Burritoville for a while.

4) If you enter the restroom to pee and see that a stall is occupied, do your business and get out fast. The stall occupant is sitting, bowels roiling, waiting for you to leave so that he may let fly. Don't fiddle with your combover and look for spinach in your teeth. Wash up and get out. No fair looking at the shoes so you can divine which poor soul actually had to crap while at the office, miles from Cottonelle hiney wipes and a can of Lilac Spring.

5) If you brought in The Journal to read, take it back out with you. No one wants your dirty paper, with grainy images of plagiarist Ann Coulter and dead Ken Lay staring at them while they try to poo whilst hovering over the seat. An exception is granted if the stall has a magazine rack.

6) Wash up neatly. No one wants to lean over the counter to see the ravages of time and gin, only to get water spots on their Brooksies too. And if you are a germophobic Howard Hughes who uses a towel to open the door, take it with you. Throwing it on the floor compounds your mental illness.

7) Ladies - flush the product of your cycle. Your fellow workers already know that you're banging Carl in Finance - they don't need to know that you dodged the unplanned pregnancy bullet yet again.

8) Toothpaste blobs left in the sink eventually meld together, come alive, and devour those that leave them. Same goes for boogers, except they have bigger fangs.

9) Dancing in front of the auto-flush to the tune of "Material Girl" playing in your head wastes water and will summon your boss to the bathroom like a beacon. Don't.

10) Don't use the neutral shoe polish machine to shine your black shoes. That's what the black side is for, and I don't want your black polish on my cordovan loafers.

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
cincycub
Jul. 13th, 2006 08:52 pm (UTC)
Ok, I was with you until #9. And then... what? LOL.
thom413
Jul. 13th, 2006 08:55 pm (UTC)
They have a two-sided shoe shine thing - you press a button on the handle, a buffer-like thing spins, and you stick your shoe under it. One side is neutral (like Switzerland) and the other is black.
cincycub
Jul. 13th, 2006 09:11 pm (UTC)
lol. Thanks. I meant WTF are people doing dancing to "Material Girl" in the restrooms?
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:05 am (UTC)
You'll hear shuffling, a flush, and then // if they don't give me copper pennies I'll just walk a-way-hay! muttered in a scotch-soaked rumble. Then another flush, a zip, and the door flies open, revealing the pasty visage and tater-tot body of Dan The Man from Commodities.

Then, you run screaming into the night.
capn_arrgh
Jul. 14th, 2006 12:38 am (UTC)
Once again, an excellent selection of practical advice. Did you ever read 'Politeness-Man' in the old National Lampoon magazine?

Ps: You have the makings of a book brewing there you know.
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:06 am (UTC)
I missed that one, but I do love Miss Manners. Thanks - maybe I'll compile these!
orange_groves
Jul. 14th, 2006 01:10 am (UTC)
um

ok
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:07 am (UTC)
It's not. That's why I have to write these things. I'm trying to Save The Children! *cries*
ginalin
Jul. 14th, 2006 04:39 am (UTC)
I had a job once where I had to clean the office restrooms (I was 19 and I didn't say it was a good job) and for some reason, that just makes this all the more funny.

About 7, yes! Even I, a woman who used to teach sex ed and is occasionally TMI about bodily functions myself, do not want to see red-nosed rats swimming in the toidy bowl.
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:43 pm (UTC)
Seriously - like how much effort does it take to move the little lever!
(Deleted comment)
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:14 pm (UTC)
Not to mention the Thai Miso Salmon!
(Anonymous)
Jul. 14th, 2006 01:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Brilliantly and graphically stated. Bra-vo!
thom413
Jul. 14th, 2006 02:43 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you.
Thank you anony!
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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